(Fade in of the Forum as it circles a incredibly large Black hole).
Stardate 2009726: Captain MattB4's Error Log.
Have just received word from Linux Command that the MS Empire has tendered code under the GPL. Many of the Linux Federation are hailing a new chance of peace in our times. I am not so easily suckered since my background wherein MS killed my Step-Father (Cousin sisters brother- Hey, I am from Arkansas). I will never trust a MS product and view any opening from the Evil Empire as a prelude for a attack. Being unable to overcome my prejudices I have been put on temporary leave. Chief Engineer Bozo is now in command of the Forum. With the help of Unix emeritus Hcvv, Head Diplomat, the Forum will continue its mission to avoid being sucked into the Black hole.
Assisting Bozo on the Bridge is Lieutenant Bdquick, now Navigator, and Lieutenant Welan in charge of the Forums defensive batteries. Hope he charged them this time.
So that's where welan got those big batteries I saw him wiring into his gigantic blizzard machine.
Aye, Captain, here's hopin' you have a good leave, an' don't be worryin' aboot the ship. We've had plenty of experience with the big black holes, and your prejudices are shared (to a certain extent, at least) by your officers, so we'll be keepin' our eyes open. With the trainin' you've put us through, we should be able to handle what comes our way. Your leave wouldn't be havin' to do with that pert little vulcan we've seen around lately, would it now?
If this was a nuclear wessel we wouldn't need batterys...(while grabbing the bunny and plugging him into the system)
Stardate 20090802
I, Captain MattB4 of the Linux Federation Star Forum SUSEUnbound, have been reinstated in my position. It turns out like I had surmised that the offer of gpl'ing of MS code was indeed a ruse.
Command has apologized for the situation and granted a extension on my date of execution as well as numerous party gifts.
I must admit my Leave was not without interest. I spent the time on the Planet of the Cell Phone People. The race living on the planet are nominally Human though some glaring physical differences exist. The most notable is that the individual CP person has one hand attached by Nature to the side of their heads. They are limited to using the other hand to making strange and unexplainable gestures (Sociologists believe it might be a mating ritual but are unsure.) while they seem to direct comments to no one present.
Since the CP people are predominantly Female it would be thought that R&R Leave amongst them would be just the ticket for a Bachelor Linux Federation Captain. This turns out not to be the case. In order to communicate with them you need to be all thumbs.
So I am happy to be back.
Welcome back captain. I am glad you did not get into troubles with CP people. Even I, as a diplomat, have problems communicating with them. They also use an almost unspeakable language where many characters seem to be missing. So I doubt if my talents could have helped you here.
If this was a nuclear wessel we wouldn't need batterys...(while grabbing the bunny and plugging him into the system)
-welan
You will recall the Historical reasons for this Welan. The Fallout from the Nuclear exchange between the nations of Greenpeace and the Sierra Club back in the 20th Century led to the ban of Nuclear power. Only peaceful nations like Iran and North Korea were allowed to utilize it. (France continued to use Nuclear power but denied doing so).
Thus the Star Forums function on Diesel. Sometimes in the more distant portions of the Galaxy it is difficult to find Stations. Plus quite a few will not take the Linux Credit card. The Navigation Warning Beacons maintained by Starfleet will inform travelers of last gas for the next 100 Parsecs. These should not be ignored.
Welcome back, Captain! Glad to hear the news of your re-instatement, as well as the stay of execution. The pressure here has been great. The Loneliness of Command is over powering. I don't know how you can take it. I was about to crack. Sorry the relationships with the CP's didn't work out so good. Maybe you should stick with the perky little Vulcan.
Vulcan gals are the best. 
Not that the Cell phone people were especially rude but they were always busy and sometimes off the hook. Though I will gives this for the people of the Planet Ring-tone, (CP People affectionately use the diminutive of Ring me up sometime.), they have many Plans. Though most end up costing the populace dearly.
We have sealed orders from Linux Command to proceed to the encrypted system. There the poor populace are unable to break out of the chains imposed by the dreaded Security Section. The SS is a race of beings that practice extreme measures of compliance to the Security Overlord.
Mr BDQuick, the Captain says, lay in a course using maximum stealth so we can sneak through security. Warped factor 6
Me grabs a tin of fish and straps in...
Captain stealth might be a problem. Welan had kiper and beans for lunch.
Shouldn't worry about it - welan will jump ship as soon as you get to the Ice Planet Hoth in a really dodgy cross-over episode.
EPISODE IV.5 ... A mysterious starship drops out of warp above Hoth
spooking that thingy from the Yeti-sports games. Tripping over
backwards it falls onto Puke Skylarder's woolly kangaroo
killing it instantly. In a fit of regret, the creature
tries to warm up Puke's feet by embedding
them in the cosy ice of it's cave's ceiling.
Upon waking, Puke shows no regard
for the creatures decor and hacks
a lump out of it's lampshade.
Meanwhile, high above,
ensign welan gets
thrown in the
brig getting
so badly
lost ...
I see the 3-D Explanatory Text Generator is on the fritz. Might want to get Engineering on it.
Apparently an old grey haired bloke in a brown cloak was seen screwing around with the scrolling text generator - maintenance are going to get on to it as soon as they figured out if there was supposed to be a grill specified for some exhaust port or other ....
Did someone forget to put the coffee can on the John Deere Exhaust port again? That always screws up the tractor beam. Thinking of Strange A Tractors reminds me that we need to stop off for some updates soon. Does the planet Hoth have any Shield generators that we could use in our present rescue of the encryption people?
Incidentally the grey haired old bloke is just a old Unix Admin. He is always up to things that no one understands or much cares about. Simply smile and say, "these are not the droids we are looking for". This will confuse and make him happy.
Captain, we're receiving a distress signal from planet Win7 in the Dos quadrant.
Shall I open a channel....
"Belay that Mr. Welan", replied the Captain.
"Open a channel to the Chief.exe of the Dos Hegemony."
Communications between the Linux Federation and Benighted 7th Planet of Windows has not always gone smoothly over the years. The MS Leadership keeps its people uninformed of the true affairs in the greater Galactic OS Civilization. Thus most Win 7ers are unaware that Freedom actually exists. They just do what the Programs imposed by MS required and suffer the consequences. The propagandists for MS insure that the users are kept in a state of denial.
Lately the Planet Win 7 (renamed from the Previously known as Vista*) has undergone some slight improvements to keep its people from revolting. This is not unknown to happen periodically in the Dos Hegemony. They make life extremely miserable for a version and than "lighten up" so that the people think things are better.
* The planet Vista is a Penal colony for the Dos Hegemony where XP followers were consigned for punishment.
