Wouldn't that be a "hatchday"? Do penguins pass flatulence? You were hatched on Halloween? That might explain a few things. 
Happy birdday, and many more! And someday may lil-pingus learn respect for her elders. 
Why do geeks think Halloween and Christmas occur on the same day?
Because 31oct = 25dec!
Happy Birthday Welan (for yesterday)
OH man he got a picture of the party. I'm so ashamed...NOT!
Thanks dude!
Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Biscuit, the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout line when woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. Costco won't let me shop there anymore.
Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.
The American Medical Association has weighed in on National Health Insurance:
The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.
The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.
The Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception.
Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.
Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Pediatricians said, "Oh, grow up!"
The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.
Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.
The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter."
The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.
The Anesthesiologists thought the idea was a gas, and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the asses in Washington.
another look into the "bent" mind of bozo...
I've heard it before, but I still love it.
I had a good laugh Bozo.
I personally like to test the biscuits that my dogs eat. Really pretty bland - but some do have that little extra flavour !
Incidentally, I worked out that the dog food (for two dogs) each month costs as much as our human food (for two).
The dog food companies have done pretty well with their marketing.(Almost as good as Redmond)
I know a guy who was a buyer for a major supermarket chain that kept a bowl and a couple of spoons in a desk drawer. When the pet food company salesmen came through spouting off about a new product (most of which said on the package "new flavor" or something like that) he'd whip out the bowl and spoons and suggest they try it. If the guy wouldn't do it, he got no sales.
For the brief period I had Cato the Wonder dog, I was trying out a lot of new foods due to allergies he had. I tasted them, too. You're right, they're pretty bland, heavy on the salt, and the flavors are different, just not very strong. I ended up making food for him, kind of a turkey stew, lots of veggies. He loved it, and I often had a bowl for dinner after I made a batch. It was much better tasting than the commercial stuff, and cheaper, too.
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor....
I went to a bookstore and asked the salesclerk, "Where the self-help section?"
She replied, "If I tell you it would defeat the purpose".
What if there was no hypothetical questions?
What do you do if you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Why is it called Tourist Season if we can't shoot them?
Can a atheist get insurance against acts of God?
1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
10. Bad decisions make good stories.
11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection.......again.
13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.
14. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this -- ever.
15. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damn it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?
16. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
17. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
18. My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I respond to that?
19. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
20. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any
given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than
Kay.
How To Give A Cat A Pill
If you have ever tried to give a cat a pill you know how difficult it is. The following instructions are fool proof!
1. Pick up the cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from under chair. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take a new pill from foil wrap. Cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse in from garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between the knees. Holding front and rear paws, ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make a note to buy a new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines from hearth and set aside for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with it's head just visible from beneath spouse's armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down straw.
9. Check label to make sure that pill is not harmful to humans. Drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with spoon, flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for last tetanus shot. Throw t-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Call the fire department to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining room table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from garage. Force cat's mouth open with small trowel. Push pill into mouth followed, by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 1/2 pint of water down throat to wash pill down.
14. Get spouse to drive you to emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor stitches finger and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Stop by furniture store on the way home to order a new table.
15. Arrange for vet to make housecall.
17. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
You too? I have a contact in my iPhone called Wrong Number. Anyone I don't want to hear from again, gets their number added to that contact. Right now, Wrong Number has about 15 phone numbers associated with it. Now, I just need a BLANK ringtone to associate with Wrong Number and I won't even hear it ring. ;)
Maybe you can set the ringtone and vibrate to silent for that contact.
It would be simple if that were an option.
I use a similar setup on my G1, although it has 'send to voicemail' as a per-contact option... I dislike voicemail with a passion, so I'd rather the phone just 'ring' and not immediately send them to the dreaded voicemail.
I had created an mp3 long ago for this purpose. It's on my server if you'd like to downoad it and use as a 'ringtone'. 15 seconds of high-quality silence. Well, I suppose HiQual. In any case, it's 71k, probably could be smaller but generally not an issue.
http://lornix.com/files/Silent_Ring.mp3
Anyone is welcome to it, it's just a silent ringtone. Feel free to download it as you wish. Remember case is important after the hostname.
Loni
Hmmm, an attachment thingy down there... let's see...
Nope, doesn't work for me. If someone knows the magic incantation to perform to make the 'flash uploader' work.. please let me know, otherwise I'll not bother with it anymore. Those 'uploaders' quite often don't work for linux boxes. Just a quirk I've noticed.
