"once upon a midnight dreary, while i pron surfed, weak and weary,
over many a strange and spurious site of 'hot xxx galore'.
While i clicked my fav'rite bookmark, suddenly there came a warning, and my heart was filled with mourning, mourning for my dear amour,
" 'Tis not possible!", i muttered, "give me back my free hardcore!"
quoth the server, 404."

"I had a fortune cookie the other day and it said: 'Outlook not so good'. I said: 'Sure, but Microsoft ships it anyway'."

The nice thing about Windows

The nice thing about Windows - it does not just crash; it actually displays a dialogue box and lets you press OK first.
C code. C code run. Run, code, run! PLEASE!
A computer program will always do what you tell it to, and seldom what you want it to.
ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI.
Artificial Intelligence: The art of making real computers act like the ones in movies.
Lisp in action is like a finely choreographed ballet. Basic in action is like a waltz of drugged elephants. C in action is like a sword dance on a freshly waxed floor.
There are two major products to come out of Berkley: LSD and UNIX. We don't believe this to be a coincidence.
There are two ways to construct a software design. Make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies; or make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies.
The world will end in five minutes. Please log out.
WARNING: Keyboard Not Attached. Press F10 to Continue.
Bad Command or File Name. Good try, though.
Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
Error reading FAT record. Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
Hit any user to continue.
Scandisk is now checking your hard drive. You can start praying.
Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.
--- If you cut here, you'll probably destroy your monitor ---
"Coding styles are like assholes, everyone has one and no one likes anyone elses."
--Eric Warmenhoven
"Always program as if the person who will be maintaining your program is a violent psychopath that knows where you live."
--Martin Golding
"The ultimate metric that I would like to propose for user friendliness is quite simple: if this system was a person, how long would it take before you punched it in the nose?"

"There is unexpected beauty hidden everywhere in this world — one just has to be open to seeing it. Remember that the next time you sneeze on your monitor."    — Nathan Walton.

Helpdesk: Double click on "My Computer"
User: I can't see your computer.
Helpdesk: No, double click on "My Computer" on your computer.
User: Huh?
Helpdesk: There is an icon on your computer labeled "My Computer". Double click on it.
User: What's your computer doing on mine?

"We will never become a truly paper-less society until the Palm Pilot folks come out with WipeMe 1.0." 

I see you are following the Topic guidelines, welan.

It is hard to find anything constructive to do on the night before Friday the 13th. The children are all tucked in bed, with visions of Freddy Kruger chasing them for their heads. While out on the lawn there rises a clatter, its just Hannibal the Cannibal licking the platter.

lol

Notes found on Hospital Medical charts:

Met patient in bed at 3 PM.

On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared completely.

The patient left the hospital feeling much better except for her original complaints.

He had a left-toe amputation one month ago. He also had a left-knee amputation last year.

Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing.

The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.

Examination reveals a well-developed male lying in bed with his family in no distress.

Skin intact, red, and broken.

The skin was moist and dry.

Pulses are probably in both feet.

She is numb from her toes down.

The rest of the physical examination is normal, including the right hands.

The genitalia are normal in experience... I'm sorry... appearance.

Rectal exam revealed a normal-size thyroid.

Description of hemorrhoids: "Big Time"

Respirations deep and regular--no breath sounds.

Abdomen soft, no liver or spleen.

Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

The lab test revealed abnormal lover function.

Arm is fractured but not broken

She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

The patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling much better.

The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

Skin: Somewhat pale but present.

She stated that she had been constipated for life, until she got a divorce.

After working as a paramedic for 20 years, it's amazing how often things like show up. It's also amazing how easy it is to make mistakes like this. Especially when you're tired and this is the umpteenth patient you've seen that day, and the next one is waiting; or you're really backed up and you're doing a bunch of charts at the end of shift from memory or scrawled notes on bits of scrap. But it's also amazing that they don't get caught. Sleep deprivation and extreme fatigue is very common in medical practitioners. Fortunately those mistakes are more common in charting than in treatment.

Top 10 Things Likely to be Overheard from a Klingon Programmer

10. Specifications are for the weak and timid!
9. You question the worthiness of my code? I should kill you where you stand!
8. Indentation?! - I will show you how to indent when I indent your skull!
7. What is this talk of 'release'? Klingons do not make software 'releases'. Our software 'escapes' leaving a bloody trail of designers and quality assurance people in its wake.
6. Klingon function calls do not have 'parameters' - they have 'arguments' - and they ALWAYS WIN THEM.
5. Debugging? Klingons do not debug. Our software does not coddle the weak.
4. A TRUE Klingon Warrior does not comment on his code!
3. Klingon software does NOT have BUGS. It has FEATURES, and those features are too sophisticated for a Romulan pig like you to understand.
2. You cannot truly appreciate Dilbert unless you've read it in the original Klingon.
1. Our users will know fear and cower before our software! Ship it! Ship it and let them flee like the dogs they are!

subatomic particle?

Q: What is the definition of a tachyon?

A: It's a gluon that's not completely dry.

Quantum theory of socks

Philosophers have long wondered why socks have this habit of getting lost, and why humans always end up with large collections of unmatched odd socks. One school of thought says that socks are very antisocial creatures, and have a deep sense of rivalry. In particular, two socks of the same design have feelings of loathing towards each other and hence it is nearly impossible to pair them (e.g. a blue sock will usually be found nestling up to a black one, rather than its fellow blue sock). On the other hand, quantum theorists explain it all by a generalised exclusion principle--it is impossible for two socks to be in the same eigen-state, and when it's in danger of happening, one of the socks has to vanish. Indeed the Uncertainty Principle also comes in--the only time you know where a sock is, is when you're wearing it, and hence unable to be sure exactly how fast it's moving. The moment you stop moving and look at your sock, it then starts falling to pieces, changing colour, or otherwise becoming indeterminate. Either way, socks may possess Colour and Strangeness, but they seem to lack Charm.

Math Purity Test

 Have you ever understood the following quote: "The relationship between Z^0 to C_0, B_0, and H_0 is an example of a general principle which we have encountered: the kernel of the adjoint of a linear transformation is both the annihilator space of the image of the transformation and also the dual space of the quotient of the space of which the image is a subspace by the image subspace."

NULL - The Ultimate Computer Language

Computer Language Breakthrough
Bell Laboratories has formally announced what it believes is the ultimate computer science language. Described by Iusi Nogoto, the foremost Japanese fourth generation language expert, as "the only truly elegant computer language ever devised." NULL, as it is known, was developed by the same department that originally invented the wrong number, the busy signal, and the phrase, "The number you have reached is not in service."
NULL is the culmination of five years of work by a team of language designers and computer science mathematicians. The final breakthrough occurred when operating system expert Hugh Nicks suggested that if removing GOTOs was good then why not scrap IF statements as well, since they usually required typing too many characters anyway. This brilliant concept was extended through a series of complex mathematical theorems that form the basis of the NULL language. Put in layman's terms by Sally Kahn-Vallee, electrical engineer and PROM reader, "Like we first we tossed out the bath water, then the baby, and like finally the whole tub." The elegance and conciseness of NULL can thus be proven to be a direct consequence of the fact that the language as defined contains no statements at all. While at first glance this may seem a drawback, in fact, it is a major improvement over any other language. A few of the numerous reasons are:

1.

Highly structured constructs.

2.

Advanced data hiding techniques.

3.

A NULL compiler can be written first in NULL without ever needing to be written in a lower level language.

4.

Since there are no statements to compile, in fact, no compiler need ever be written in the first place, saving time and money.

5.

Since there will be no compilers, no new releases will ever be issued hence maintenance is reduced.

6.

NULL programs are highly portable and totally machine independent.

7.

NULL programs compile and execute rapidly. An important point to note is that with the addition of a small amount of language dependent code, e.g. PROC/END etc., all NULL programs can be compiled by any other language compiler.

8.

Since there will never be new releases of NULL, all programs are upwardly and downwardly compatible.

9.

NULL can be parsed top-down, bottom-up, left-right, right-left, inside-out, and over-easy.

10.

NULL programs are both self-documenting for clarity and self-concealing for security.

11.

NULL programmers are easy to find and once found can be fired since they are not needed.

12.

If desired, specialized NULL hardware could be designed implementing the code in firmware. Of course, such hardware may require years of development. One suggestion from Bell's VLSI experts Nora and Andy Gates was to take an existing available chip and remove all the instructions except NOP. While this should work in theory, they acknowledged that it is probably not the most efficient implementation.

These are just a few of the many ways NULL is superior to all current computer languages. You can, no doubt, think of more. For further reading consult any of the numerous books and articles by Donald Knuth, David Parnas, and of course, the basis of all modern computer language theory, "The Emperor's New Clothes."

Previous four posts duly forwarded to appropriate personnel.