What to post when you run out of questions or ideas.

Run, lil-pingus, run! welan's got the duct tape!

Bozo his ducktape dont scare me

Notice she stopped posting today...need to go to the hardware store for more duct tape before she gets loose again

LOL

Have a read they made me chuckle hehe  (but have some alcohol first!)

I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to
arrange
a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in
the
craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak
and
heat it.

So I said "Do you want a game of Darts?", he said "OK then", I said
"Nearest
to bull starts". He said "Baa", I said "Moo", he said "You're closest".

You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the
night
before and shoot the fox.

The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I
said "Did you get my drift?".

So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a
complaint,
this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought "he's trying to pull a
fast one".

So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said
"Eurostar?".I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".

So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?". He
said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays".

But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack
myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a
red
rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said "Waiter, I asked
for
a-ROMATIC duck".

But I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a
competition
and I won a years supply of Marmite......... one jar.

So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your
carpets?". I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".

You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic
converter.

So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report a nuisance
caller",
he said "Not you again".

So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and
there
was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.

He said "You remind me of a pepper-pot", I said "I'll take that as a
condiment".

Now did you know all male tennis players are witches, for example Goran,
even he's a witch.

And I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's
bisatchel.

So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I
said "Are you two an item?".

So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, I
thought "That's a turtle disaster".

Four fonts walk into a bar The barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want
your
type in here"

A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't
start anything"

A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, "Is this
some kind of joke?"

Dyslexic man walks into a bra

A seal walks into a club...

A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says:
"Pint
please, and one for the road."

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to
the
bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in
the
lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour,
the
manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?"
they
asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said "I can't stand chess nuts
boasting in an open foyer."

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten
different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

Thanks DF for the morning chuckle!

Hee-hee! I love puns! I'm a little slow, so didn't get quite all of them, but I'm working on it. Problem may be no ETOH on board. Keep 'em coming!

another fine job by DF

What do you get if you cross an agnostic with a dyslexic and an insomniac?
Someone who lies awake all night wondering if there really is a dog.

A piece of tarmac walks into a bar.
Tarmac: "pint of beer please"
Barman: "we don't serve your sort in here, clear off"
Tarmac: "don't mess with me, I'm hard"
Barman: "yeah, you might think your hard, but I'll have you out on your ear in a heartbeat, now clear off"
A piece of red tarmac walks into the bar.
Red tarmac: "Pint of beer please"
Barman: "certainly sir, anything else I can get for you"
Red tarmac: "Just the beer and hurry up about it"
Barman: "certainly sir"
Tarmac: "Hey, how come he gets served?"
Barman: "You might think you're hard, but he's a f****g cycle path"

Piece of string walks into a bar.
String: "Pint of beer please"
Barman: "You're a piece of string, aren't you?"
String: "weeell, yes, I guess"
String goes outside and explains to his friends what happened.
2nd string goes into bar.
2nd string: "Pint of beer please"
Barman: "You're a piece of string, aren't you?"
2nd string: "weeell, yes, I guess"
Barman: "I just told your mate, and I'll tell you the same, we don't serve your type - clear off"
2nd string goes outside and explains to his friends what happened.
3rd piece of string ties himself up and frizzes his ends a bit, then heads to the bar.
3rd string: "Pint of beer please"
Barman: "You're a piece of string, aren't you?"
3rd string: "No, I'm a frayed knot"

Tough Love vs. Spanking - Good Argument

Most people think it improper to spank children, so I have tried other
methods to control my kids when they have one of 'those moments.'

One that I found effective is for me to just take the child for a car ride
and talk.

Some say it's the vibration from the car, others say it's the time away from
any distractions such as TV, Video Games, Computer, IPod, etc.

Either way, my kids usually calm down and stop misbehaving after our car
ride together. Eye to eye contact helps a lot too.

I've included a photo below of one of my sessions with my son, in case you
would like to use the technique.

Sincerely,

Your Friend

New Wine for Seniors 

California vintners in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produce Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an Anti-diuretic.

It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night.

The new wine will be marketed as

PINO MORE

Eds finally decides to take a vacation. He books himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeds to have the time
 of his life, until the boat sinks. He finds himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no 
supplies, nothing. Only bananas and coconuts.

"I rowed from the other side of the island," she says. "I landed here when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he says. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."

"Oh, this?" replies the woman. "I made the rowboat out of raw materials I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches, I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But-but, that's impossible," stutters Eds. "You had no tools or
hardware. How did you manage?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replies the woman. "On the south side of the island, there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware."

Eds is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place," she says.

After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As Eds looks onto shore, he nearly falls out of the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, he could only stare ahead, dumbstruck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down please. Would you like to have a drink?"

"No, no thank you," he says, still dazed. "I can't take any more coconut juice."

"It's not coconut juice," the woman replies. "I have a still. How about a Pina Colada?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, he accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk.

After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom."

No longer questioning anything, Ed goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, is a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened onto its end inside of a swivel mechanism.

"Wow! This woman is amazing," he muses. "What next?"

When returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her.

"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've been out here for a really long time. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for all these months. You know..."

She stares into his eyes. He can't believe what he's hearing: "You
mean----" "I can check my e-mail from here?"

Well... its all about connections isn't it?

Welan walks into a bar.
Welan: "Got any kippers?"
Barman: "no"
Welan: "Got any sardines?"
Barman: "no"
Welan: "Got any kippers?"
Barman: "no"
Welan: "Got any sardines?"
Barman: "no"
Welan: "Got any kippers?"
Barman: "no"
Welan: "Got any sardines?"
Barman: "no, we haven't got any kippers, no, we don't have any sardines, we don't have ANY fish - ask again and I'll nail your head to the bar!"
Welan: "Got any nails?"
Barman: "NO!!!"
Welan: "Got any kippers?"

Didn't know you frequented that same bar eds...

Hmm... I tried entering my card number and the box does not accept entry, method. Need to reload your application, I think. Unless its a problem with it only being for Internet Explorer and not Firefox.